Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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