He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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