i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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