My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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