Pappa wants mamma naked
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
