I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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