What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
