I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
