he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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