I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
