she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
