I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
