It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
