He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
