So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
