So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
