1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
