Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
