Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
