Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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