and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
