Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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