I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
