I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
