Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
