It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
