oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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