he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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