I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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