My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
