yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
