Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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