So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA