just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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