My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
