If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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