her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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