i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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