you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
