I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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