Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
