remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
