The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
