wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
