Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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