SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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