woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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