That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
