I bet he comes in French.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
