I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
