Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
