she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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