I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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