handjob tips. give me some.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
