what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
