she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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