i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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