Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
