Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
