How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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