she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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